By “Moneybags” Murphy
Moneybags Murphy comin’ at ya, Save Jerseyans.
I’m sure you caught my budget address from earlier this week. Let me cut to the chase because your time is valuable (spent working to pay for my SJW plans): I am rootin’ tootin’ mad as all heck, gosh darn it. You may not know that I had hoped to slip in another few billion dollars’ worth of tax increases and wasteful spending on top of what I already proposed, but that Iron Worker from Hell (AKA Steve Sweeney) put the brakes on a few of our proposals. Period. Full stop!
Well, Steve may control my legislature but he can’t control my blog posts. Not yet; there is a bill on my desk to do just that but I haven’t signed it. Here are eight things I had hoped to tax and/or purchase. I hope you’re as enthusiastic about them as I am:
- Cow fart fee: My very woke friend Cory Booker is running for president and has proposed abolishing meat and farming. A lofty task for the short run, but undoubtedly something we will be working to achieve in the next 5-10 years. In the meantime, we can raise much needed revenue and cut down on greenhouse gasses by hiring a full time, union employee (with Cadillac pension and health benefits, a six figure salary, and eight weeks of sick/vacation time) to stand next to every cow’s ass in the Garden State and monitor it for flatulence. The farmers will be slapped with a $25 fee every time their bovine passes gas. It’s simply the right thing to do and, let’s face it, these hicks didn’t vote for me anyway.
- Purchase children’s’ tears for Sheila Oliver: No explanation necessary here. The woman literally derives nutritional sustenance from the tears of innocent children. It’s amazing and inspiring. On occasion she will eat the soul of a lost commuter who strays off the Parkway at Exit 145, having missed their NJ Transit train because I cancelled their rail line indefinitely. I feel strongly about this one. We stand with you, Madam Lieutenant Governor.
- A urinal tax: Urinals are what’s called a “microaggression” by their very nature. Like millions of New Jerseyans, I proudly pee sitting down (so does Booker by the way, but he swore me to secrecy so keep that one on the D.L., Save Jerseyans). Why should NJ women (since we let them in the men’s rooms now, and vice a versa) and I be exposed to the toxic masculinity of a man peeing while he stands? From now on, you can still take a leak standing up, but it’s gonna cost ya $50 bucks per tinkle. Don’t worry: millionaire urinators will pay $100 per pee because fairness.
- Purchase 10,000 copies of Jon Bramnick’s book: Reading material for our prison inmates; also would look nice on the centerpieces of our unemployment office waiting rooms and on the night stands of my all-female soccer team players. I believe in bipartisanship when it means getting out of my way.
- $50 million dollars for a Starbucks STD testing pilot program: Now while you wait for your venti mocha vanilla chai latte with soy milk, you can get your downstairs checked out at taxpayer expense, too. New Jersey’s women and their health remain my top priority.
- A brine tax: We will tax you for every gallon of brine that I unilaterally choose to spray down on the roads when it’s 45 degrees and sunny. I understand some might view this as cheating. Let me assure the critics: we are really f****d without more money coming in pronto. Who is going to pay for the doulas I promised?
- A tax on Lou Greenwald’s hair product: George may not love this one, but it’s simply worth too much money for the state’s coffers. Just look at the guy; this is liable to net a few hundred million. C’mon Lou, aren’t you a little old to be dressing like a creepy, barely literate DJ from Staten Island?
- A tax on special legislative committees investigating incidents of sexual assault and flawed hiring practices: A little wordy but very, very important. Need I say more? Every time this committee meets, the chair of said committee (cough cough, Weinberg) shall be taxed… $100 BILLLLLLION DOLLARS! I love those Austin Powers movies. I’m watching one right now. Can I tax movies? Asking for a friend.
Phil Murphy (parody) comin’ at ya! Building a stronger/fairer New Jersey (for illegal aliens and union bosses). Just clearing the roads and making the trains run on time. Oh wait… follow along on Twitter at @MurphyMoneybags.