CIRUCCI: 18 Trends To Dump In 2018

By Dan Cirucci

Posted with permission from The Dan Cirucci Blog

We’ve seen and heard enough of all of the following in 2017.

And so, in no particular order, we’re asking that they be  summarily dumped into the trash heap as we move along in the new year:

1) Man buns
You don’t look hip. You don’t look cool. You look like a soccer mom — or a ballerina. OK?

2) Beach tents (photo, above)
They’re garish, they’re indulgent, they’re obstructive and they’re piggish. We don’t want to see these  monstrosities on the beach this summer.

3) #metoo
In very short order, #metoo became TMI. You wanna talk about it, huh? Then go to the authorities or tell your shrink. We’ve heard enough!

4) Using the term “bespoke”
You can discard this pronto, along with “curated” and “artisanal”.

5) Wearing shorts in the dead of winter
How stupid is this? The saddest part is that the shorts are worn by people who shouldn’t be wearing shorts any time of the year — even on the hottest day.

6) Starting sentences with “so . . . “
So, this makes you sound like a clueless, verbally-challenged, dumb-ass jerk.

7) Antlers and red noses on cars and trucks
Ugh! Absolutely ridiculous and an insult to Rudolph, himself. Spare us this juvenile nonsense next Christmas.

8) Men with sculpted eyebrows
Yes, you can have them trimmed if they’re too bushy or wiry or (G-d forbid!) if they meet. But that’s about as far as you should go. No fashionista sculpting!

9) Small plates and sharing

This was introduced several years ago as the tapas trend took hold. True, it has its place — in Spain and Portugal. Here, it’s pretentious, overpriced and unsatisfying.

10) Branding Trump reckless, stupid, crazy or all three
Do you think he would have gotten where he is today if he were any of these things? He’s so stupid, reckless and crazy that he sent stocks through the roof, created a record number of jobs, got the economy booming, increased consumer confidence, unleashed our energy supply, gave you the biggest tax cut in history and restored faith in our military preparedness. Not bad for a lunatic, huh?

11) Assuming an indefinite gender
Life is difficult and confusing enough without this element. We were created binary and we will remain binary. End of story.

12) Farmers markets everywhere
Do you know what “famers market” means? Read the words. It’s a market on or near a farm, OK? It’s usually found along a rural or semi-rural road, not on every effing street corner.

13) Alexa
She’s omnipresent, she’s a busybody and she’s annoying. Besides, do you really want Jeff Bezos spying on you? Do you really want him privy to every aspect of your life? Really?

14) Buy one, get one half off
Have you figured this out yet? This amounts to a reduction of exactly 25 percent. This is a scam.

15) Ordering coffee online beforehand
Tell us you’re too lazy to simply pick it up at the drive-through. Honestly? Seriously? And you can’t walk inside and wait for it? WTF?

16) Wrapping dining utensils in paper napkins
Restaurants would have you believe this is efficient and more sanitary. In fact, it’s just a way for them to skimp on napkins, knives, spoons and forks — doling them out as if they were scarce. It’s a money-saver for them and an inconvenience for you.

17) Safe spaces/zones/places
This is the real work. There is no safe space. Life is unpredictable. It can be disappointing. People can be cruel. It’s harsh. Get used to it.

18) Brussel sprouts
We were sure this was gonna fade out in 2017 but these damned pellets don’t wanna leave the scene. Out with the sprout!