TRENTON, N.J. – In a historic announcement and national first, New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy announced on Monday that he’s the first U.S. governor to begin “transitioning,” the process whereby an individual changes their physical characteristics to match their purported “gender identity.” Murphy, a Democrat, is in the middle of his second term as governor of the Garden State.
“After plenty of long discussions with Tammy and our wonderful children, I have decided it’s time for me to be on the outside who I’ve always been on the inside,” Murphy explained at a April 1st presser held outside of his State Street offices. “Allow me to say what I’ve wanted to say for a long time: I am a man, not an asshole, and proud of it… period, end of sentence.”
Murphy further explained that President Joe Biden’s decision to replace Easter with “Transgender Visibility Day” had given him the necessary courage to make Monday’s announcement.
In a clarifying statement shared with the media, a spokesperson for the governor explained that Murphy is not a biological woman transitioning to a man but rather an extraterrestrial from the planet “Ashohl” (pronounced “asshole”) who now wishes to become a human through the assistance of specialists at Robert Wood Johnson University Hospital in New Brunswick, New Jersey. The renowned medical facility already offers “gender-affirming surgery” and therapies, but Murphy is the inaugural patient for the hospital’s “species-affirmation” program.
“It is our hope that the Governor’s brave decision to be a pioneer in this field will lead to further advances in the near future. If an undocumented non-Earth person – the prefered politically-correct term as opposed to the original, offensive nomenclature of ‘aliens’ – can become human, then we may soon live in a world where cats can become dogs, humans can become dolphins, and legislators can become multi-celled organisms with brains and spinal columns,” mused Dr. Jeremy Quackenbusch, director of Robert Wood Johnson’s species affirmation unit and Murphy’s treating physician.
According to the Governor, Ashohl rests in the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy located 236,000,000,000,000,000 km (25,000 light years) from Earth but is still close enough to qualify for infrastructure funding under the newly-revised gas tax legislation designed primarily to bail out NJ Transit.
When asked when he first felt that he might identify as human, Murphy said it was sometime after marrying the First Lady back in 1993.
“Nothing is more human than getting drunk, making a bad decision, and then subjecting yourself to years or even decades of needless suffering,” quipped Murphy to the laughter of the assembled press corps.
Dr. Quackenbusch reports that Murphy has already received some initial injections to grow human-like hair, supplying a long-awaited answer to the increasingly bizarre changes to the governor’s hairline. Surgery will be required to removed his distinctly Ashohlian fangs. Murphy joked to reporters about having almost accidentally outted himself by disclosing that he begins most days “trying to eat the ass out of a bear” back in September 2023, a comment which raised eyebrows at the time but represents a practice which Murphy says is considered a ceremonial rite of passage for males on Ashohl and its satelitte moons.
The Robert Wood Johnson team will also need to operate to attach a synthetically-created set of testicles. Dr. Quackenbusch says native biological Asholians are born with six testicles but it had appeared that all six of the governor’s were removed long ago by the Tammy. The entire process could take 3 years, or 1,405 wipes (the amount of time it takes to make a single revolution around Ashohl’s sun, “Buthohl”). Another alternative would be to accept donations from local Democrat leaders who’ve already allowed the Murphys keep their scrotums in a box at Drumthwacket.
Notwithstanding his desire to affirm a human idenity, the Governor asked the Media to respect his privacy during ongoing medical treatment and to cease calling him “Phil” and, instead, revert to his Ashohlian birthname of “Doosh,” a homage to his home world. The Governor’s staff promised to supply a list of preferred pronouns as soon as they invent some.
Murphy is not the first New Jersey Democrat to make history in this regard. Back in 2004, then-Governor Jim McGreevey made international news when he declared himself “a gay American” and in so doing became the nation’s first-ever openly gay governor. McGreevey subsequently resigned his post amid a storm of corruption allegations but recently reemerged in state politics, rehabilitated his public inage working with criminals seeking to reenter society, and is the favorite to succeed Steven Fulop as mayor of Jersey City in 2025 at which time it’s been reported that the presumptive Democrat nominee and fluid political operator plans to transition back to an openly corrupt urban party boss.
When asked by curious Media if any of his fellow Ashohlians are here in New Jersey unbeknownst to native Garden Staters, Murphy immediately responded in the affirmative.
“There are Ashohls all around us, even if they feel invisible,” Murphy somberly replied. “A day trip to Trenton or 30-minute drive on the Turnpike is all the proof you need.”
