My plot predictions for a more-than-likely politically correct ‘Star Wars Episode IX’

By Matt Rooney
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The modern Disney corporation is infamous for its almost slavish devotion to political correctness in all of its media productions. 

A common criticism of last Christmas’s controversial Star Wars Episode VIII, a/k/a The Last Jedi? An overdose of identity politics which divided the fan base, sacrificed tried-and-true brand themes, and made the whole darn thing less… fun. And what the hell is a kids’ movie series supposed to be if it’s not fun? Star Wars creator George Lucas (who sold his life’s work to Disney, something he may now regret) has repeatedly stated that the original six films were written for 12 year olds.

That’s changing, and it’s hurting the franchise. The recent ‘Solo’ movie was a box office failure.

Sadly, I’m not expecting a course correction from Disney ahead of next year’s Episode IX release. Movie watchers are expecting a trailer any day now. With all of that in mind, here are your humble Blogger-in-Chief’s plot predictions for the next chapter of the once seemingly unimpeachable franchise (which as-of-yet remains untitled).

Were I a betting man? I’d go with THE AWOKENING:

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(1) Rey transitions, demands other Resistance members call her “Ray.”

(2) Finn begins cohabiting with C-3PO. R2-D2 starts therapy.

(3) BB-8 relocates to Portland and opens an organic, ironic, locally-sourced hemp clothing shop.

(4) First Order’s insidious coal-powered space cannon destroys Wookie home world by raising the surface temperature 1/16 of a degree.

(5) Newly-reconstituted Jedi go belly up after successful lawsuit to end “Force-shaming” and admit non-sensitive children to the ancient order.

(6) Poe, citing anxiety and ADHD diagnosis, is granted an extra 30-minutes to blow up all future evil super weapons.

(7) New main villain: “The Patriarch.”

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