By The Staff | The Save Jersey Blog
Months of high-level politicking and bare-knuckle brawling over the fate of Atlantic City are surprisingly over this morning, Save Jerseyans, at least for the time being, all with the news that none other than presidential hopeful Donald Trump intervened at the last minute to broker a compromise state takeover plan.
The breakthrough was announced at an early morning press conference attended by Trump, Governor Chris Christie, Senate President Steve Sweeney and Assembly Speaker Vincent Prieto with only days left to spare before the city faces the prospect of a government shutdown and potential bankruptcy.
“Listen, this is really big for Atlantic City and the rest of the state, and it’s really a major, positive development for me, too,” a visibly emotional Christie explained to a gaggle of reporters and city officials gathered outside of the shuttered Trump Plaza. “I’m sorry for being especially difficult lately but man, I’ve had a shitty two years. Just awful. And then following Donald around for weeks like a puppy was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I’m not kidding. One more week of this crap and… well, let’s just say there wouldn’t be an M&M box big enough.”
The ambitious new plan is reportedly far more expansive – and expensive – than the original package passed by Sweeney’s Senate but stonewalled by Prieto’s Assembly as the Democrat legislative majority haggled over labor related concessions. At the core of the agreement is a 500% increase in the state gas tax dedicated to defray the construction of a 15-foot high wall system fencing in all bridges, tunnels, ferry docks, airports, and marine access points which permit tourists or residents to leave New Jersey.
Trump, a former Atlantic City casino mogul, will assume the role of ‘Wall Czar’ in a role anticipated to showcase his skills as a Commander-in-Chief.
“I appreciate all of these great people for joining me today to talk about me. It’s one of my best subjects, my favorite subject in fact, and no one talks about me better,” declared Trump. “And I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on Atlantic City’s border, and I will make to Pennsylvania and Connecticut’s casinos pay for that wall. Mark my words. Mexico’s next!”
After years of donating to politicians of both parties, Trump shrugged off a question suggesting that bringing Christie and legislative Democrats together was an extraordinary feat. “Making deals is something I do better than anyone. The deals I’ve made are truly wonderful, amazing. I basically am a Democrat, by the way – a lot of people don’t know this – but George, he’s a dear friend, and Joey D., and the rest of these guys – all great guys – know I’m here to get things done. I want to make A.C. great again. Buying these three guys from the Democrat bosses? They cost me a few cartons of cigarettes. Piece of cake,” he added, gesturing to the three politicians sharing the stage with him.
Sweeney and Prieto, for their part, appeared to set aside 2017 gubernatorial politics for the day and made a point of explaining that while they do not support the GOP front runner’s plans to construct a similar wall network along the United States’s Southern border, the Democrat leadership is united in preventing the escape of anyone who still has a few nickels left in his or her pockets or between the couch cushions.
“Too many greedy taxpayers don’t seem to understand that the American Dream is really about incurring massive student debt to spend the rest of your life working to pay for the pensions of the folks who contribute to our campaigns,” Sweeney opined, deflecting when asked about the 2 million former New Jerseyan who left the state due to high taxes between 2005 and 2014.
“Our new walls will send a clear signal to anyone thinking of moving to a state where taxpayers aren’t treated like dog shit: we broke it, but you’re buying it,” added Prieto.
A.C. Mayor Don Guardian‘s continued objections to the takeover did not appear to concern the presser’s prime participants. “It might be a little too tough, but we can’t be nice,” Trump reasoned, explaining with a verbal shrug that plans to waterboard the resort’s mayor shouldn’t be considered cruel, unusual, or even torture.
Details concerning construction, maintenance, constitutional dimensions, environmental implications and other concerns related to the massive public works project remained scarce at press time.
When one female Press of Atlantic City reporter inquired how Mr. Trump would compel out-of-state gaming competitors to pay for a wall, the Governor forcefully warned her to “sit down and shut up.” The journalist’s attempt to re-ask the question over Christie’s verbal objections was met with an open-handed slap from a senior Trump adviser.
“And no, before you ask, because I know you will, this is not an April Fool’s joke,” concluded Trump. “Although I am one of the greatest joke tellers in America. Everyone knows this. Ask anyone who knows me. Some of the funniest comics are my friends. Really, really funny people. They think I’ve very funny. America just doesn’t laugh anymore and that’s sad. Only Donald Trump can make America a joke again! And we will.”